Tuesday, April 19, 2016

1974 Teflon Coated Minds

As I continue to sort through stacks of paper memorabilia and more "stuff" I often find something I've written and forgotten about. I wrote this "essay" for myself in a very small purse-size spiral notebook with orange pages.

Instead of saying, I "want, I want" shall I now say, "I give, I give" and keep giving until I am exhausted from doing so? I will give, but in ways that I can give best - the essence of my life, my soul - not fearing criticism of those about me for that is my greatest fear up until ow - criticism - fear of words and my son asks me "What are words?"

Words are nothing - so true - it is only by assimilating a series of words - thought - therefore - response, action - hopefully giving meaning to words.

Shall I write about fear? Fear of what? Mainly death - no not the hereafter, etc. It is fear of pain in those last moments,  but would it not be similar to being on the operating table - coherent - speaking, communicating with those preparing my body and then suddenly - instantly not here any more and surprised upon awakening finding oneself alive?

That must be death - gone - asleep and then awake in some strange new place, a new form and hopefully, amazingly - a greater intelligence to see and understand the reason for one's existance - how one fits into the total plan - the endless infinity - into the energy of it all.

Fear - of not being part of the universe. We are part of it. We are a functioning member of it all.

My only concern is looking and observing the cruelty - the primitive punishment animal behavior - for the scramble to survive at the expense of one another - those who are so afraid and always saying, "I want, I want".

I have said it, too and still I say it. I acknowledge this wanting! I want to know everything. I want to feel - to be. I want to sooth - to heal - to show how it is to be a complete force of energy.

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